This Looks Nothing Like Love
by Ill Ame
Summary: ...but maybe, given half a chance, they could turn it into something useful. Mello and Matt in fifty sentences.


Warnings: Spoilers to chapter 99, sexual situations, and the usual foulness.

Disclaimer: Death Note and its characters belong to Ohba and Obata, I claim no ownership. The quote in 50 is credited to TS Eliot's poem _The Hollow Men_.

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01. Walking

Mello uses planes, cars, and motorbikes, little-boy toys a hundred sizes too large, and Matt is sometimes left walking in the rear, because even when Mello has to move by foot, he runs.

02. Waltz

When Mello finally needs him, Matt seems to stumble straight into his hands, as if they've been circling each other in a blindfolded, five-year waltz; the music is too loud and every partner is wrong, but their feet fall to an identical beat.

03. Wishes

Some mornings, Matt tires of staring at the curve of Mello's scarred neck, the unmarred paint on his fingernails, the swinging beads of his rosary, so he closes his eyes and wishes himself away – anywhere but this motel room with this hard-eyed devil of a beautiful boy.

04. Wonder

Mello has seen murder and miracles, and he's heard the deafening echo of an idol's fall to earth, so by the time he realizes that Matt isn't about to leave, he's lost all sense of wonder.

05. Worry

Matt marches to his own heartbeat, he's no one's man to hire, but he spends each sleepless night staring at the glow of his cell phone on the ceiling, and when there's another body beside him, face to the wall, he thinks he hears Mello's heart thumping in time with his and knows he's in over his head.

06. Whimsy

Mello's talk of the future is as wide and deep as any ocean, but upon waking, the only dreams he can remember are of frivolous things like love and eternity, and the fall of Matt's eyelashes on unguarded cheeks.

07. Waste/Wasteland

Matt knows that he's likely to end the same as everyone else who has tried to follow Mello – one more wasted life – but he trusts that Mello will remember his name at least; a tear is too much to hope for.

08. Whiskey and Rum

Mello doesn't drink, but the mere scent of vodka is enough to build visions of a smoke-filled crack den and Rod's broad chest, to quicken his breath as mafia blood flows through his veins, and he's glad Matt tastes only of gentler brews, like whiskey and rum, that start his pulse racing for a different reason.

09. War

When Matt hasn't slept for thirty-six hours and he can see Mello snapping under stress, they tear into each other with the last of their strength, and if Mello wakes up with a scratched back to match the bruises on Matt's hips, it's worth it to have forgotten, for one night, the larger war raging around them.

10. Weddings

"I bet you and Near would have made a brilliant team," Matt says casually, "if you could get through a day without killing each other," but Mello pretends not to listen, because while a marriage of two genius minds looks perfect on paper, Matt is a genius in his own right and Mello far prefers the team he's part of now.

11. Birthday

On Christmas Eve, as Mello's attention is divided between a series of monitors and the cross-laden gun he's cleaning, Matt decides to get hopelessly smashed, muttering a happy birthday to Jesus as he raises his glass.

12. Blessing

Behind a screen of Madonnas and crucifixes, Mello is hiding the fact that he will never again begin a sentence with "Bless me father," for his sins are too many, too heavy to be forgiven, and he harbors a perverse desire that he's dragging Matt down with him so at least he'll have a friendly face in hell.

13. Bias

For years, Matt never thinks much of his bias toward skinny girls with blonde hair – doesn't every self-respecting guy have one? – until he realizes that the reason he can't stick around for more than one night is that they don't smell like chocolate and he knows they won't kick him out of bed come morning.

14. Burning

Matt stares with narrowed eyes and a closed mouth at raw, rippled skin, no questions asked, but Mello tries to explain anyway because he's only ever courteous when he's burning up with fever, and Matt just whistles and says, "Shit, what a way to go."

15. Breathing

Matt will never be a long-distance runner and his breath clouds white in all seasons, but he doesn't think of quitting because he knows that long before any other cancer takes hold, he'll already be dead from a disease that has wrapped gloved hands around his lungs and bound his legs with a rosary.

16. Breaking

Children raised in the Wammy's House are taught the important things in life – how to look after themselves, how to lie with open eyes and straight faces – so Mello thinks very little of the promise he makes to take Matt with him, and thinks even less of breaking it when he leaves.

17. Belief

Matt is a proud atheist – he decided years ago that if any god does exist, He must either be terribly irresponsible or a sadistic bastard, and Matt trusts his immortal soul with neither – but because old habits are hard to break, he still believes in Mello and probably always will.

18. Balloon

While Near presses a pin into one side, Matt takes the other, and Mello fears that Matt will be the first to burst the balloon of his ego, because Mello has always been unstoppable, untamable, untouchable, and never ever in anything close to love.

19. Balcony

Matt retires to the small balcony outside their hotel room for a smoke and as Mello, leaning beside him, watches the street below, Matt watches Mello, thinking that he looks ridiculously angelic in profile and knowing that his halo is made of neon, that there's a gun tucked into the back of his skintight pants.

20. Bane

Sometimes Mello wonders what Matt would be doing if he were still on his own, but he dismisses the answer as unimportant because Matt will kill for him and Matt will die for him, so Matt may as well live for him too.

21. Quiet

On his first night in Japan, as he drifts off to the sound of Mello's breathing and the distant rush of traffic – so much like his old New York lullaby – Matt thinks that the most frightening thing about death is its terrible, terrible silence, and he hopes that when the time comes, they'll both go out in a roar of angry sound.

22. Quirks

Matt is Mello's best friend because he helps sneak chocolate bars from the kitchen in the middle of the night, because he doesn't ask why Mello forgoes footwear after seeing L's naked toes, because he doesn't care about being third but cares about Mello being second, because he listens when Mello talks, and rarely mentions Near, and pretends not to notice Mello's frustrated sobs into his hands or a pillow or his best friend's shoulder because that's what best friends do.

23. Question

When Matt lights up indoors, Mello will cough and tell him to take it outside, but Matt doesn't stop until Mello asks him why and the answer comes with a false laugh, "To prove you're still human," and the question of Mello's fallibility hangs between them like a trail of cigarette smoke in the air.

24. Quarrel

Mello hasn't had a real fight with Matt since their school days; they release tension in tiny quarrels over what to buy for dinner and who pays, while larger issues never make it past their lips, resting instead in dark glances of livid eyes.

25. Quitting

Every day, Matt considers throwing down his resignation, because this isn't some video game they're playing, their opponent is no computer program, this is _Kira, damnit_, but the same reason keeps him going because he knows that Mello won't quit until he wins or he dies, and if Matt can tip the odds by sticking around for a few more weeks, he'll stay as long as he has to.

26. Jump

Mello spent the younger years of his life jumping through hoops for the Wammy's House, and now he worries that he's still jumping through hoops – Kira's and Near's and maybe even L's, left over from plans that spiderweb out past his death – so he tries to be unpredictable, to give his own orders and watch Matt jump for him.

27. Jester

When Matt and Mello are so exhausted and broken down that they can do nothing but stare at the ceiling waiting for the sun to rise, and Matt asks softly, "Have you ever thought about stopping?", Mello turns to stare into Matt's serious eyes and laughs.

28. Jousting

Mello can see Matt as nothing more than a spectator in his match against Near, because Mello never expects to be taken out of the game, to need a second; Mello knows that he is irreplaceable.

29. Jewel

Matt is sure that the world holds plenty of arrogant, angry boys, and he's met more than his share of geniuses, so he has yet to discover what sets Mello apart from the rest, but he does know that Mello can spur armies into action when he speaks, that there's fire at his fingertips and life like a drug on his tongue, and even when he doesn't talk, he shines.

30. Just

Mello learned long ago that he is not L and never will be, but on an afternoon when he can remember nothing but the distant eyes of a man who bowed only to justice, he turns to Matt and asks, "Should I be paying you for this?", as if one good deed before judgment day could turn him into a ghost and save him.

31. Smirk

When Matt is feeling especially masochistic he'll try to make Mello laugh, because he has quickly discovered that while Mello only laughs at victories and accidents, like a child mocking someone else's scraped knees, his childhood laughter has mutated into a sound that sends chills down Matt's spine, and even when Mello is truly happy he can produce nothing more than a dark, unfamiliar smirk.

32. Sorrow

Mello met L's demise with furious shock, takes his failures with gritted teeth and clenched fists, so he is confused when, less than an hour before his own death, the soft report of an emotionless newscaster leaves him feeling not outraged but empty, tired and guilty and wanting to cry.

33. Stupidity

Matt buys the magazine on a whim and locks himself in the bathroom so he can jack off to Misa's image, waiting for the moment when his eyes are squinting closed and his brain is begging off, when she becomes nothing but a blur of blonde and black, and it isn't until he's panting himself down from orgasm that he thinks he and Mello make a shoddy pair of brilliant minds, because when it comes to some things they're larger idiots than this foolish, ignorant girl who decks herself with crosses as a fashion statement and heels when Kira calls her name.

34. Serenade

Mello wakes before Matt every morning, and when he takes the time to look he notices that, with his eyes closed and his mouth relaxed, Matt is an innocent, far too young to have sirens serenade him to his grave, but they're in this fight together, and that settles it.

35. Sarcasm

A few years ago, Matt would never have expected to end up here, and though he'd thought his life would turn out quite differently, he's never been happier; he loves his job, he loves his partner, he knows he's working for a good cause, he _really cares_ about what he's doing, and when he tries to be honest with himself, the lies just pour out faster.

36. Sordid

Mello has seen worse places than this, with shit on the walls and blood on the sheets, but that doesn't mean he likes their filthy trash heap of a motel room, so when Matt's tongue on his neck, fingers in his hair, hips against his waist make him forget that the bed they're lying on isn't the safest place to be doing this, Mello decides it's worth coming back for more.

37. Soliloquy

If people need persuading, Mello trusts only himself to do the talking – he talks when giving orders, when administering bribes, when taunting the new L, and he talked Matt into this job, so when Matt is alone and talking to himself because it's the only time he can get a word in edgewise, he usually spends his time cursing Mello.

38. Sojourn

Matt has a habit of finding the nearest couch and molding himself to it, and he looks so relaxed in his own apartment that Mello says sharply, "Don't get too comfortable, we'll be moving soon," and Matt laughs dryly, muttering, "Eye of the storm, eh?" before letting his eyes slip shut.

39. Share

They don't share secrets because they are raised not to, and Mello doesn't like sharing chocolate, but he'll offer a place in his bed if Matt needs someone to curl up to, and Mello is quick to share body heat when the power goes out in winter.

40. Solitary

Matt and Mello are used to taking care of themselves, so it isn't hard for Mello to sound convincing when he says, "I don't really _need_ you," but he hopes that Matt can see through his lie, because if Mello were any other person with any less pride he'd be begging him not to leave.

41. Nowhere

"You're a nobody," Mello tells him, and Matt wonders why he thinks that being important is a selling point, because Matt knows he fades into the background and doesn't mind – he doesn't want to have people after his head in seventeen separate countries, doesn't want his paranoia to be well-founded, and if that means being no one, going nowhere, then he's happy to sit on his ass and let the world turn around him untouched – yet somehow he finds himself packing his possessions a few hours later.

42. Neutral

Mello's anger leaves the palms of his hands to surge and crackle across Matt's naked chest before disappearing, leaving him drained and the closest he ever comes to content.

43. Nuance

Matt knows that there are a number of men who are dead for believing in Mello, and he's afraid that if he closes his eyes he'll find a gun to his head, so he asks, "How can I trust you?", watches Mello's eyebrows lift, and doesn't understand what he means when he says, "Because I like you, Matt," but enjoys the sound of the words, regardless.

44. Near

Sometimes Mello thinks he befriended Matt for all the wrong reasons: because he's as close to normal as any kid at Wammy's ever came, because he falls prey to crushes and gets into fights, because his hair is dark, because he prefers video games to action figures and gets bored with puzzles, because he is never quite enough for second place and never poses a threat.

45. Natural

Matt's blood seems to pump harder after his reunion with Mello, so that even when they're apart he can hear his own pulse in his ears, and he tells himself that it's just adrenaline, it's completely natural, but he feels as if a piece of Mello has broken off and lodged itself inside of him, like shrapnel in his veins.

46. Horizon

Not all of Mello's ideas are brilliant, but they seem attractive enough when he comes up with them, so he has to remind himself that spending the rest of his life with Matt is just one point on a wide horizon, one future out of millions, and he can probably find something better.

47. Valiant

Matt knows that his relationship with Mello has never been healthy; it started as some kind of sick hero-worship, and though he sees now that Mello is ruthless, reckless, and far from valiant, Matt stays with him, because in a way they're kindred spirits.

48. Virtuous

Mello has an impeccable memory, so he can easily recite any prayer he's ever learned, but his voice is rough and hollow, and when he sees his face in the mirror with a scar that draws stares on the street, that can still make Matt wince in quiet horror, he thinks he looks like the devil – young and frightening – and flashes himself a grin.

49. Victory

Matt could diagnose Mello with an inferiority complex and a severe case of tunnel vision for spending his entire life thinking that Near will always win, because everything around Matt, everything important to him, has been stripped away until his world has narrowed to a single person, and that is as large a victory as Near ever won over Mello.

50. Defeat

Mello doesn't care much for poetry – he considers it, all of it, to be weepy and sentimental – so when he is much too old to have nightmares, but Matt can still be kept awake by something as petty as a poem they read in class, Mello flicks him on the temple and says, "'This is the way the world ends', what a load of bullshit."


End file.
